The Late Great Tommy Cooper – One liners

I went to the doctor’s the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.


Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

‘Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s’. ‘Well you can’t say fairer than that then.’

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed?

A woman told her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back’. The doctor said, ‘It’s old age’. The woman said, ‘I want a second opinion.’ The doctor says, ‘OK. You’re ugly as well.’

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder. He says to the barman, ‘give us a pint and one for the road.’

A man walked into the doctor’s and says ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’. The doctor says, ‘Well, don’t go there any more.’

I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.

Went to the corner shop – bought four corners.

I went to the doctor’s the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for ‘flu’. So I went, and I got it.

Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’

I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, ‘Are you having me on?’ I said, ‘Well, I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.’

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, ‘Nearest the bull goes first.’ He went ‘Baa’ and I went ‘Moo’. He said ‘You’re closest.’


Author: Robert

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